Impudence and Gratitude.

May 24th, 2014

'How great is this!'

I could not stop thinking how great everything was! I tried to tune out the sarcasm from my thoughts, yet, I could not stop thinking just HOW great everything was!

I was sitting on the pavement besides the main road. I had just walked out of an interview, without wating to hear the results, because I was sure, I would be rejected. I was sitting on the walkway, people throwing me curious glances, wondering why a well-dressed woman was sitting on the walkway. I did not bother. I could not care less about what people thought of me right now. I was tired. Honestly, too tired. I wanted to shout at God, "What are you doing? Why me?"

My life was always perfect, as long as I remembered it. There were perfect goals, and dreams. Morals were never compromised. Beliefs stood on strong foundations. And success was always given, with efforts of course, well-placed clever efforts. So what went wrong, and esp. when did it start going wrong. When did I start lacking direction? When did I get so lost!

Now, the only thing I am sure about is nothing! I know I am caught in a fog. Thick fog. I dont know where I am heading to. There is zero clarity and infinite confusion. I have all the desire in the world to give my best efforts, whether its at work or at a relationship. But I really dont know which or who or when or how and it was driving me nuts!

I was still sitting on the walkway, when my friend called. She wanted to invite me to tag along with her and her friends who were going on an orphanage visit. I said 'yes' without much thought. At this point, any distraction was welcome to not face my (so-called) problems.

The day turned out to be something else. To learn a thing or two about life and happiness, from friends a decade or more younger than us, who could not stop smiling at us, from the moment they saw us. And ironically me, with all the pseudo-reasons in the world to complain, was there to visit them and make them feel happy. I could feel tears stinging at the back of my eyes, not because I felt sorry for them. Not because of my own problems. The tears were those of anger, at myself for my arrogance, my supreme stupidity in blaming my circumstances, my parents and my fate for my state. At least I had parents to place the blame on. Blindness!! Blindness to blessings.

At the end of the day, I wound up back in my room, on the floor. With my heads bowed down in shame. Praying to God. Thanking Him for the insight.