Let's talk about the 'Girl who can cook'

So, my last post, yet another lamentation about the ridiculousness of the Indian way of finding love and marriage, was criticized for being too whiny and was met with comments ranging from 'You do write well, but please write about something else' to 'Move on already, woman'. Despite this clear feedback, bear with me as I choose to write about the same topic because I happened to spend a lot of wasted time on the sites I go to - to choose a team mate for project ‘happily ever after’ and these details of incongruity irks me more than it should and I embark upon these posts hoping it would make a difference in the world. The least it does is allow me to vent to you conceding crowd of readers (because you better concede) and enlighten you and together we can bring an end to this ludicrous system.

So, what would be your first reaction when you hear “we are looking for a girl who can cook”. The answer to this question depends on how it affects you. If the rest of your life depended on it, how would you react? Stay with me while we break this down slowly. When a groom and his family set out in search for a ‘girl who can cook’ it is natural to first ask “But why here? Why not look for a cook?” But then it becomes clear that they are indeed looking for a daughter-in-law who can also cook. Fair enough. I mean, what a bargain if that happened.

These are the possibilities I could think of:

(1)   They have irrational fears that the girl that they end up choosing as ‘suitable’ would somehow deny cooking for survival and would always order food online or from Swiggy, 365 days a year, and are setting clear set of ground rules

(2)   Their son earned so low that they could not even afford 2K a month to keep a cook.

(3)   They like to brag to their friends and family about their newly acquired daughter-in-law’s culinary skills.
(4)   They were gluttons who woke up in the middle of the night and demanded home-cooked food. I mean, who knows right?

Now coming to facts, cooking is not a skill accomplished by only few people - any girl from any middle class family would know how to at least make a decent dosa. And improvising on her cooking skills is not rocket science. It is a choice. A choice that depends on circumstances. And most girls enjoy cooking occasionally and would complain if they had to juggle it with work on a daily basis. And to expect a working woman from 21^st century to be passionate about cooking is looking for a needle in the haystack. She wouldn’t have chosen a corporate profession that her parent’s carefully laid-out education plans led to, if all she ever wanted to accomplish in life was to amuse her husband and in-laws with her cooking skills. Again, there is nothing wrong in having that as an expectation, just say that – “A girl with homely disposition who takes matters of the home seriously” instead of seeking “a girl who can cook”. But hen again, how do you know the girl is not masquerading her Maggie and egg burji making as cooking skills. Is there a test? Does the roundness of her dosa get reviewed before the wedding? I wouldn’t be too shocked if indeed it were.

Some would venture to say that I was being over-reactive on the subject, but all I am saying here is, there is a certain etiquette and order of priorities when you are seeking a bride for your son or for yourself. Do not state careless criterion like ‘cooking’ as a preference unless you think it is a show stopper. If it is, then everyone's already judging your intentions to get married. ‘Cooking’ is a given and it is time everyone accepts it for what it is, esp. in arranged marriages. After all, you don’t see the ladies specifying “Must be good in bed” in their partner preferences, though it is equally if not more important for a healthy marriage.